Birdman of Alcatraz (before a little edit)
Notorious inmates
Birdman born in Seattle
Murder incarceration
Solitary confinement
He studied canaries
Caged like them in his small cell
He let them fly freely
Like his mind behind bars
Never released
Birdman of Alcatraz (after)
Notorious inmate
Birdman born in Seattle
Murder in Alaska
Incarceration
Solitary confinement
He studied canaries
Caged in his small cell
He let them fly freely
Like his mind behind bars
____________________
dVerse prompt to edit a poem with concern for noun and verb; adjective and adverb. This was a spontaneous poem written on a postcard during August Postcard Poetry Festival.
wordshophop 
I like how you’ve given the “after’ poem shape by putting it into stanzas (which tells a story too) The subtle edits you’ve made – bring this familiar story into sharper focus – the mind freed, the body imprisoned. (Despite the Clint Eastwood film, I only twigged to ‘Birdman’ after reading this.) Thanks for sharing this terrific poem.
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Both versions are very powerful and descriptive. I prefer the second version as it adds more color to the story in your poem, especially when comparing “Murder incarceration” and “ Murder in Alaska”. There’s something more haunting and startling with that line in the final revision. This is such a brilliantly composed piece, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Fantastic work.
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I like the second version and the three-line stanzas, which give your words a strong frame. And the newly pared-down verses allow the images to soar.
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Very nicely done! The second one becomes much more focused and concise. I do like the first version very much as well.
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This is incredibly potent! The second version gives the poem more structure and impact.
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I enjoyed both versions, but I like the shape of the revised poem, Jane, which gives it space and air between the stanzas, for the words and birds to fly.
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I’m going to go against the grain because I like the spontaneity of the first version. But I enjoyed both very much.
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I prefer the first version. Hard to say why, but I feel that last line is a good ending, and it’s lacking in the revision.
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the second version is more powerful for me. the pauses you added by creating stanzas made me feel like there are sadness and guilt there.
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The 3-line format works well for this, but I agree with Jane about the last line of the original. I don’t think it would hurt the revision to add it as a single-line stanza at the end.
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You have sparked my interest in one line stanzas.
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🙂
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I like the revised version, it allows the readers mind to fill in the rest.
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I like the division into stanzas in the second version.
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I like the division into stanzas in the revision. It’s like the cells lined up within the prison rows.
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